Two days before the Inauguration

Everything is still. I never understand why there isn’t a drumroll when the sun comes up particularly these days. I got rid of my gun. Well, that’s not completely true. I got rid of my ammo which seems the same. I think I’ll just sit and wait for the revolution. On my front porch legs askew drinking beer I’ll wait for them to walk up to my front door and say who the hell are you? I’ll tell them quite calmly that I’ve been trying to answer that question most of my life. It doesn’t matter where you live as there’s no security anywhere. Today it’s so quiet but I know it will be very noisy on Wednesday. I’ve found that’s generally true. Right before a major explosion there’s an unearthly quiet that itches into your skin. Even the dogs are restless. The big one sighs heavily every hour or so. Sometimes when you’re in a really bad situation you try to back out of it. I’ve had this feeling before. I’m thinking to myself no this isn’t what I wanted to have happen but it’s too late. I think it’s too late for this country to right itself and make everybody get along.Rich people are trying to get vaccinated before everybody else. Poor people don’t want to be vaccinated as they think it’s a trick. Maybe it is.

I never thought I would spend the end of my life sequestered but on the other hand maybe it’s a good practice for what comes afterwards.

Minnow

Today I was watching an

insignificant film in which a

young girl traveling in Italy with her

Dad was swimming in a hotel

pool doing laps inside of the

20 foot bowl back and forth

and I started to

cry. Only in Italy do they have

hotel pools carved out of marble

lipped with travertine, lined with

Carrera, filled with the water of

Aquaducts and baptizing tears.

I saw my daughter at 12, a swimming

minnow,

Black haired and glistening, and I

remember promising her we

would return with her

daughter to a pool in Italy

someday. I wonder if anything

I promised will come true…

This moment

The most important thing to do for me is to keep reminding myself that every breath I take is an exercise in staying alive. Don’t look to the future even if it’s just tomorrow. Don’t look at the past and all the shadows. Just keep breathing. If I need something to calm me down I think of my grandchildren. I am very grateful for them. I’ve had other periods like this in my life but they were from my own depression which caused me to feel that I couldn’t go anywhere or do anything. The fact that this is caused by a worldwide pandemic is too mind boggling to even comprehend. So I focus instead on the books in my house that I have yet to read, and the people that I hear from that I love so much. That’s my work. I wish I could help you find yours.

OK I was wrong

So I was wrong when I wrote that yesterday was Wednesday because today is Wednesday. Who cares? Some friends of mine and I went to visit a retirement community yesterday. It was a necessary day of travel. It was necessary because all three of us are going crazy. We keep looking for places to live when we’re old and some in our group are older than others. Here’s what we want: nice cozy apartment that belong to us, a dining room where everybody is friendly and the food is delicious, a year round pool and a year-round gym and the possibility of having nursing care if you become gaga. And I don’t mean lady. Do you think this is easy to find? Well you’re wrong. Most places we have seen have been incredibly depressing. Even in California there’s no one walking around outside. The places inside are small and claustrophobic and in the dining room everything is painted brown including the Naugahyde chairs. I don’t need a lot because I like to chat up people which is the story of my life. I’ve met several people on airplanes who have become lifelong friends. Now that I’m older I do feel more fragile but still feisty and independent so I know I don’t really want to make a commitment to buy something right now unless I could sell it right away if I didn’t like it. Some of these places give you tests when you try to buy a place to see how long it’s going to be before you totally lose it and they have to pay for you. If someone gave me a test like that I would clearly fail . I have a very hard time taking anything seriously. As you may have read before, I definitely have oppositional defiant disorder. I would be leading revolts and protest marches and sitins in the old age homes if things weren’t up to snuff. If I couldn’t find enough people join me in doing this I would recruit them from the outside world and dress them as members of my community. The whole thing is interesting. How do we live when we are old? I think most women would say they don’t want to stay in their house with their husbands because the husbands by this time are grouchy. Also they require constant feeding.I have a hard time with anyone that requires constant feeding even a goldfish..This may explain why I live alone. Anyway I’m going to visit as many of these places as I possibly can and then I am hoping I’ll find a bunch of people who will want to start our own place. We could buy some property someplace and build a main house with a giant commercial kitchen and a great room where we could all hang out and eat together and play games, maybe even hide and seek,and have a generally convivial time. Then we could all retreat to our individual apartments until we were ready to meet up again. There would be a big vegetable garden and we would have places for young people to live with their families so they’d be happy working on the property and we would get the benefit of seeing the children running around. Worst thing about getting old is being shoveled off to a building where there are only other old people. I think the best thing in the world would be to get old with a bunch of pals in an environment that was young and fun and loving and compassionate. That’s what I’m looking for

It’s Wednesday

It doesn’t really matter what day it is because nobody knows anyway. Maybe bankers know. I don’t know. I don’t really care. I have a weird feeling that things are not going to get better for a really long time. I’m used to my mask by now and in fact I find it quite handy. I could be a bank robber, or an anesthesiologist. I go for the latter. I think there are a lot of people who would be happy to have me put them to sleep right now. I don’t think I’ve eaten any vegetables today. Normally I would know right away what I’ve eaten each day. I don’t really like fruit. We never had fruit in our house growing up. We had six shiny mackintosh apples in a straw basket on top of the red counter in the pantry. They were the only snack we were allowed after school. I hate apples.

So far today I’ve eaten enough for three large dogs.I think it’s because my armor thyroid medication is out of stock. It’s only 2:03 PM. That means I have another eight hours to go until I can go to sleep. I love going to sleep. I love the smell of my sheets and the coldness of my room and the lack of noise. Every night there’s only one possibility of noise and that either comes from the big dog or the small dog. They are snorers but not every night. Of course, I might be a snorer too but no one has ever told me that because there’s no one here to tell me that. My friend called me and asked what I’ve been doing with myself thinking that I will complain and say how lonely I am. I’m not lonely. I find it soothing to be here alone. Now I don’t need an excuse. In the afternoon I can light the fire and sit in a chair by the window and watch the people on the street. I have a little free library and sometimes people stop and take books out and then put them back. They have no idea that I’m watching them. I have no idea why I’m watching them. It’s fascinating. Everything is happening so slowly. Sometimes I open my watch and set the clock a little bit ahead just for a bit of relief. I would like to stop eating healthy food and start smoking and drinking martinis. I bought a magazine that said on the cover “100 best places to visit before you die” and tonight I’m going to mark it up. It will be the highlight of my night. One thing that I’ve noticed is my dreams are getting very real and sometimes in the middle of the day I think I’m in the middle of one of my dreams.. I spent at least 2 1/2 hours having lunch in Hawaii before I realized I wasn’t eating mahi-mahi. All it takes is a comfortable chair and a light breeze for me to regress to the night before. I’ve been to so many parties recently that I’ve worn out my wardrobe. Funny, I wake up wearing the same pajamas but in my sleep I’m still Cinderella. OK there you are.

I am the last woman on earth

I am the last woman on earth.

I live alone in my house and every day I follow the schedule that I have arranged for myself.

That’s my game. It’s the best way to get through this.

Yoga, coffee, meditation, breakfast, look out the window, do the laundry, make the bed, take a shower, take a walk, lie  on the floor and wait for the dogs to jump on me, eat stuff from the fridge

after gazing into it awhile. Brush my hair.

Add blush. Add mascara despite considering how long it will take to remove. No lipstick.

Yesterday I considered a small  glass of red wine with breakfast.

My neighbor’s new dog barks

enough to make napping problematic.

I drink a lot of tea with half and half

and maple syrup which is tastier than

sugar.

My garage is a café after 6

and dinner is in white cardboard squares

ready for all of us dreamers who believe

next month will bring hope back and

neighbors come two by two

like passengers on Noah’s Ark

run aground and have a hard time

leaving.

So how do I feel?

I’m glad for the distraction and for the wine and for the anesthesia. I don’t tell anybody about the hopelessness.

In Reality Travel Doesn’t Measure Up

                        In Reality Travel Doesn’t Measure Up

For the longest time I thought I might become someone else. I also thought I might live somewhere else. I could be Norwegian and learn the language well  so people would say how no one could tell I wasn’t a native. I like the sounds of their desserts.

Or I could be a lawyer wearing crispy tight suits with very high heels and click click click across the court room floor stating my case and always winning.

Rootless like a malformed carrot I would refuse to flourish in one place. I know this was a problem this rootlessness.It prevented me from applying myself to much of anything: love, housekeeping, friendship, home repair… you get the story. I kept a suitcase filled with cash hidden in my house and a bag packed with essentials which changed from month to month.

Now my rootlessness fits right in. No one is going anywhere but everyone would like to be rootless. I wonder if after we finally figure out this virus and we are free again if everyone will prefer being rootless? After all, being imprisioned at home for over a year can drive even a boring person crazy.

Where will I go when I can go anywhere? I think at this point my first stop would be Hawaii because I can’t get the music of palm trees out of my head.I often thought it would’ve been a perfect place to live full-time. Like Eloise, I could move into the Four Seasons Hotel on the Big Island and just go down to dinner every night sitting at the bar overlooking the ocean generously tipping the bartender so that he always saved my seat. Reading a terrific novel all during dinner while drinking wine and eating sushi would be heaven right now.

And oh yes there is the spa in all those hotels and the spa always has palm trees with leaves that rattle above your hut while you are having a massage. Preferably a Lomi Lomi massage. I still don’t know what that means but I love them. I have entertained myself all day by thinking of places I would like to go when I can go anywhere. Frankly, it may be better in my imagination. That’s been a life long problem of mine and one I intend to keep as it’s so useful.