Love: The haves and the have nots….

Is there an in between?  Some have love and some do not. Some live alone and some live with another. I have noticed that neither role seems to be completely fulfilling.

Over my 15 years of singlehood I have been tempted several times to jump into living together, marriage, whatever you might call it. I have met some nice men; fallen in love, and believed this time I had found my “forever” person. I am a romantic at heart. What can I say? Each time this has happened to me the period of being in love has lasted about 6 months. 6 months seems to be the magic amount of time in which you learn about your chosen one in most ways. Most good and bad habits are revealed to you and if you keep your eyes open you are able to discern what the other is about.

Many people chose to stay in a relationship as it is painful and lonely to leave and start again. I understand this choice.  I find that people are happier in a relationship and appear to feel more confident, cozy and safe. People like familiarity and predictability. A man I fell in love with about 15 years ago left me to return to his wife. I understood the choice but was left with a wound that took a long time to heal. People often chose to stay with their family as that is what we are taught to believe in. Families are supposed to make us happy as they are supposed to represent stability, love and faithfulness. It is really hard to believe that a deeper love is possible when one can give up a difficult and unhappy family life. Most people don’t try to imagine this.

I find this confusing as it has been my observation that many people in families feel as if they don’t have enough space or time to themselves, particularly women, though I have heard this from some men as well. Women often feel as if they are overwhelmed by all the requirements of their lives from their children to their careers to managing the household. Men feel as if they are underappreciated and have no idea what they can do to change the picture. Both sexes are often confused and bewildered about what happened to the fun and loving times they had during their first 6 months together.

Each of us longs for a partner to go home to but the trouble is, most of us create this partner out of our romantic dreams and not out of what is there in front of us. So when what is there in front of us acts like them, we are frustrated.

I think the answer may be in really refusing to meld with the other person we are in a relationship with and insisting on holding on to our boundaries. Most people today, for some unknown reason, have trouble with this. We are all a group of co-dependant people. We meet, we fall in love, and we instantly bond with another. It feels so good to do this. As we age it gets really hard not to do this as we want so badly not to be alone for our remaining years. It gets riskier to fall in love as well as our ability to recover from a broken heart is not as good.

All in all, I couldn’t live without love or the possibility of love. I will keep on being open to this possibility. I am tracing the outline of my body on the sidewalk outside the house and lying down within it each day. I am still learning my own boundaries. I am permeable but like the membrane of a single cell, but know the importance of single cell nourishment.

Inside Green

From a beach house in California where the sun is setting and the dog has been washed comes a certain light that enchants and softens the end of the day. The guests have left, the nap has passed and all there is to do is listen to the sound of crustaceans being trapped and readied for dinner. Maybe there are pelicans coming bearing gifts in their great beaks…Maybe a soft  snow goose who has flown west instead of south. Maybe a meek crow hoping for some leftovers. The evening extends across the lagoon covering the day and opening the night.So much may happen and so little.There is no need for fear and no need to wonder what will tomorrow bring.  But you do.

Wishbone tree

Some trees are for looking at, some are for climbing, some are for lying in, some are simply made to create a dream from.

Today is a dream creating day: warm and sunny and I have a good reason to believe in the power of manifestation because I manifested a dream of mine and it appears to be coming true.

Look at what you want in your life very carefully: imagine it happening and how it should happen. Imagine with whom you want it to happen and what that person is like. I did this and it seems to be in flesh and blood reality this week in my life.


Add some chores to your life…

Recently a friend emailed me  with the phrase, “Don’t create your future from your past.” I love this quote. I am going to remember it now when I am trying to resolve a situation. What a good idea it is to look to what you want and not what you have had. Look to what you really see as being safe and happy and joyful and create it in your life.

Most of the time we just replay old tapes: believing without really thinking it  we “deserve” what we are receiving in our lives. Isn’t it a good idea to dream of what you want from your future and then actualize it?

I am finding these days that simple chores bring me back to my life’s purpose. When I wake up I do the things I am supposed to do to make my life function well.

Walk the dog

Read the paper

drink coffee



clean my house

do laundry

fold clothes

empty/fill the dishwasher

make the bed

do office chores

check bills

check accounts

read financial news

All these things make me feel as if I have completed something for that day. Something simple.The more I feel forward motion the more I think more clearly and write more clearly. I wish, in a way, we lived in a time where chores were more basic. I have always wanted pigs, chickens and cows so there would be more of a routine to my morning. Maybe a loom to spin sheep’s wool or a foundry to hammer shoes for my horse. A garden would be nice with fragrant frangipani out of its element and some red, ripe, raunchy tomatoes to bite into. Basic earthly delights.That’s what I long for. Maybe that’s what I should create from my future!

day by day love

Sometimes it takes a cold fall day in the hospital with a friend to realize  what matters is  the fact you are breathing. People all over Boston are going to work, eating meals, laughing, crying, but none of them are consciously thinking thank God I am breathing. I think we should think about that. I often forget that the air I breathe is  gift just as the smile of my niece tonight as we have dinner and hang is a gift.The phone call from my friend, Peter , is a gift and the email from Marion is a gift. I am grateful for my life and my friends and the fact I am still breathing.