In Reality

For the longest time I thought I might become

someone else.

I could be Norwegian and learn the language well so people would say how

no one could tell I wasn’t a native.

My hair would miraculously turn blond.

It would be ok to like sex.

I like the sounds of their desserts.

Or I could be a lawyer in Manhattan wearing crispy tight suits in black with very high heels and click click click across the court room floor stating my case with brilliant red lips and always winning.

Rootless like a malformed carrot I

refuse to flourish in one place.

I know this is a  problem this rootlessness.

It’s prevented me from 

applying myself  to much of anything: love, housekeeping, friendship, home repair… you get the story. I kept a suitcase filled with cash hidden in my house and a bag packed with essentials which changed from month to month.

Now my rootlessness fits right in. No one is going anywhere but everyone would like to be rootless.

Where will I go when I can go anywhere?

Hawaii because I can’t get the music of palm trees out of my head.

Like Eloise, I could move into the Four Seasons hotel on the Big Island and go down to dinner every night sitting at the bar overlooking the lapping ocean generously tipping the bartender so that he always saved my seat.

And oh yes there is the spa with palm leaves that rattle above your hut while you are having a massage. Preferably a Lomi Lomi massage and I don’t know what that is.

I have entertained myself all day thinking of places I would like to go when I can go anywhere. Frankly, it may be better in my imagination. That’s been a life long problem of mine.

Last Woman on Earth

I am the last woman on earth.

I live alone in my house and every day I do the Schedule:

yoga, coffee, meditation, breakfast, look out the window, laundry,

make the bed,

take a shower, take a walk, lie on the floor, wait for the dogs to

jump on me, eat stuff from the fridge,

gaze into it awhile. Brush my hair.

Add blush. Add mascara after thinking about how long it will take

to remove later.

No lipstick.

Yesterday I considered a small glass of red wine with breakfast.

I can’t remember the day.

My neighbor’s new dog barks

enough to make napping problematic.

I drink a lot of tea with half and half and maple syrup which is

tastier than sugar.

After 6 my garage is a café for friends

and dinner comes in white cardboard boxes. We slip food under

our masks like horses with feed buckets or dogs with muzzles.

We are dreamers who believe

next month will bring hope back and neighbors come

two by two

like passengers on Noah’s Ark

run aground and have a hard time leaving.

I’m glad for the distraction and for the wine and anesthesia.

I don’t tell anyone about the hopelessness.

Remembering something you thought you wouldn’t again

Image representing iPad as depicted in CrunchBase
Image via CrunchBase

Remembering Something You Thought You Wouldn’t Again

I believe in love and second chances. I believe in the power of memory. I love to reflect on whom I might have married or where I might have lived. I love nothing more than a glance from an attractive man in a public place which says to me “I am interested.”

What I love most of all, however, is the return of a flirtation you thought you had lost and the possibility of an old passion being rekindled.

There is nothing better in life than friendship begun at age four which continues to flourish. Nothing finer than an old designer piece which you wore at 30 still cupping your shoulders with certainly and still making you feel great.

I prefer the old to the new. I prefer the childhood memories to many new memories. I find the thought of an erotic encounter which took place at 24 infinitely more erotic in my mind today than any new ones I might have, except with one single man!

The art of writing romantic letters is seemingly lost today but I have been experiencing it recently with the greatest of pleasure. Imagine before going to sleep that you receive an email from someone you thought you had lost many years ago and that email was filled with love and remembrances of your past together, even painting a bit of what might be in future?

Imagine how that feels? How happy it makes you to think someone else many miles away is having the same thoughts you are having. Isn’t life grand? The really amazing thing is if you have no attachment to the outcome and only feel the joy of love, you can enjoy it even more.

Each little sound bite being sent electronically over IPAD’s  day to day add to the wonderful building and waxing and waning tension of this feeling of love and desire yet there may be no consummation. I think I have learned one lesson in life after all these years: don’t live in a fantasy state particularly when starting out in a relationship or the hope of a relationship. It’s a bad idea.  Really looking and listening and understanding what the other person is about is a good thing. Feeling giddy is a really good thing. Having hope is an even better thing. Holding hands is the best thing in the whole world even when it is done electronically.

Just Another Saturday Night

Just another Saturday Night

So tonight let’s take a bottle of that nice wine someone gave us down to the shore while the sun sets as it will set for a very long time up here and when it has left us to go on to some other friends lets still stay here and hold hands and you can kiss me like you did one winter and I will be enchanted again by the endless possibilities of it all because that’s what I do in Maine in the summertime and wine is important and can you imagine people who date people who don’t drink  as I think that would be so difficult as then there would be no sunset or no kiss maybe I am wrong about this but I have a feeling it would be like watching a musical on Broadway and the orchestra has gone home for the night but the cast is still desperately trying to sing to us all and it seems a little bit to me like the time I was in bed with a man who had hearing problems and he turned  and removed his hearing aids placing them carefully on the night table before turning back to me to make love and I was thinking why did he do that  is he so used to making love without hearing what his partner is saying  maybe he doesn’t care or maybe that’s just how he has done it for years so I got out of bed and left the house.

More Erotic Fantasies from an Older Woman

More Erotic Fantasies from an older woman

Though I am not married, I believe in marriage. I like the word, “husband”. I know this may make some of you smirk.  How can someone like me, an avowed feminist, be supportive of marriage? I think I believe in marriage because I believe in happy endings, holding hands, sending cards on birthdays, celebrating anniversaries, making a relationship romantic even if it is a long term one. I like to word “husband” because it means to me a nice man who is there for you in the long run. Someone to watch your back.

Last night at a dinner party with a group of friends the subject of marriage came up, and I said I hoped to remarry before I was dead. Several of my guests laughed and then a few comments were made like, “Why would you want to get married?” and “Why not just live with the person?” and “Would you want someone around all of the time?”

I am used to these kinds of comments but they still bother me. It seems to me that I should be allowed the same kind of romantic hopes one has when one is young. I have been single for a long time, actually since I was relatively young, and I haven’t lost my romantic desire to be with a significant other. I have no need for financial support nor do I want someone to take care of me. I just want to have a husband.

Yes, it’s true I have gone out with a lot of men. As Marilyn Monroe said so wisely, “Some girls just get asked more!” I have had a really good time over the last 15 years dating up a storm and I don’t regret a minute of it. Now that I am announcing to the world I want to settle down, the world laughs at me!

I wonder why this is. Is it because their own relationships have lost their romance? Is it because they feel uncomfortable when I speak of romantic love and how I would like to find it? Is it because they think I am “too old” to be thinking like this? I am embarrassing them in some way?

I don’t think you are ever too old to be a romantic. I think it is what those small moments are for when you have a really happy daydream about something romantic and you find a small smile on your face. I think it is when you see something about your beloved that reminds you how tenderly you feel about him. I think it is having the pleasure of seeing something in a store you know he would like and buying it for him.

I think sometimes if people could still try to believe in magic they would be happier and have more fun, be more relaxed, and have more meaningful relationships. I am used to people laughing at me because I say things they may have felt but are uncomfortable hearing. Fantasies are not for the faint hearted.

In recent years I have run into a few men who have tried to have a relationship with me despite that fact that they are married. This is such sad behavior. I find it not only bad behavior but also insulting to me. These men prefer, it seems, to compartmentalize their relationships: one for the family, one for love and sex, one for business, etc.

So what am I saying here? I believe in romance despite the fact that I am old yet I find it difficult to speak about my beliefs as most people I know seem uncomfortable with dreams and romance. Romance, to me, means loyalty, faithfulness, passion, support and most of all, flatly refusing to give up my hopes as they get me through the night! And that means a lot particularly in today’s’ world.

So to all of my friends who make fun of my desire, I ask that you change your tune and support me. You may find it fun to dream as well!

Ode To A Palm Tree



Without the rustle of a palm tree

One might lose the journey

Provided so willingly and cheaply

By the slap of a limb against the window

And the after waves of sound

Like a skipping stone

There is a beach

And music

and the scent of Frangipani  brushing your hair.

Erotic Fantascy for Post Menopausal Women


Tonight while waiting for my son

In a restaurant by the water in the setting sunlight a man

Passed by and I wanted to keep him.

He sat across from my table and while I waited,

 I had married him and we were old.

He loved me completely and with a passion

He wore elegant skin and defined hair and grace.

He read the paper in bed with me.

We went out to dinner often

Remarking at our chance encounter at this outdoor restaurant.


A black car pulled up in between us and a woman with black everything emerged.

She looked around for my husband.

He placed his hand in a way that knew her.

I thought this must be an error as

So much had happened between us

In this minute of our lifetime

In the cerebellum of my mind.


Love: The haves and the have nots….

Is there an in between?  Some have love and some do not. Some live alone and some live with another. I have noticed that neither role seems to be completely fulfilling.

Over my 15 years of singlehood I have been tempted several times to jump into living together, marriage, whatever you might call it. I have met some nice men; fallen in love, and believed this time I had found my “forever” person. I am a romantic at heart. What can I say? Each time this has happened to me the period of being in love has lasted about 6 months. 6 months seems to be the magic amount of time in which you learn about your chosen one in most ways. Most good and bad habits are revealed to you and if you keep your eyes open you are able to discern what the other is about.

Many people chose to stay in a relationship as it is painful and lonely to leave and start again. I understand this choice.  I find that people are happier in a relationship and appear to feel more confident, cozy and safe. People like familiarity and predictability. A man I fell in love with about 15 years ago left me to return to his wife. I understood the choice but was left with a wound that took a long time to heal. People often chose to stay with their family as that is what we are taught to believe in. Families are supposed to make us happy as they are supposed to represent stability, love and faithfulness. It is really hard to believe that a deeper love is possible when one can give up a difficult and unhappy family life. Most people don’t try to imagine this.

I find this confusing as it has been my observation that many people in families feel as if they don’t have enough space or time to themselves, particularly women, though I have heard this from some men as well. Women often feel as if they are overwhelmed by all the requirements of their lives from their children to their careers to managing the household. Men feel as if they are underappreciated and have no idea what they can do to change the picture. Both sexes are often confused and bewildered about what happened to the fun and loving times they had during their first 6 months together.

Each of us longs for a partner to go home to but the trouble is, most of us create this partner out of our romantic dreams and not out of what is there in front of us. So when what is there in front of us acts like them, we are frustrated.

I think the answer may be in really refusing to meld with the other person we are in a relationship with and insisting on holding on to our boundaries. Most people today, for some unknown reason, have trouble with this. We are all a group of co-dependant people. We meet, we fall in love, and we instantly bond with another. It feels so good to do this. As we age it gets really hard not to do this as we want so badly not to be alone for our remaining years. It gets riskier to fall in love as well as our ability to recover from a broken heart is not as good.

All in all, I couldn’t live without love or the possibility of love. I will keep on being open to this possibility. I am tracing the outline of my body on the sidewalk outside the house and lying down within it each day. I am still learning my own boundaries. I am permeable but like the membrane of a single cell, but know the importance of single cell nourishment.