I am very easily bossed around by men with a low, testosterone filled, voice. So easily, in fact, that the other day I almost got lured to a man’s house I didn’t even know.
How did this happen one might ask? Well the truth of the matter is I am on a dating site because I am hopeful and incredibly romantic. Most of the men that I see on the site seem like perfectly nice men but I know that they are not for me. Yesterday, however, a man responded by email that actually looked like a reasonable person who might be fun to hang out with. He suggested we have a phone call.
I called him and we had a very lively conversation for about 40 minutes. During the course of the conversation he informed me that he was quite well known so that I could count on him to behave well. When I googled him I found this to be true.Our conversation was filled with flirty little innuendos on his part and laughter on my part and an increasing feeling of uncomfortableness because of the inappropriate familiarity.It was certainly fun to have someone appear to be so interested in me and to be so intimate in his conversation and so appreciative of my wit and intelligence.
As time went on I began to notice that I felt like I was being cornered in a way that was quite shocking to discover. Because this man seemed so intimate and so knowledgeable about me and my life in such a short time apparently he had some control over me.
Luckily, I was driving to an appointment and I said to him that I needed to get off the phone because I was at my destination. He asked me where I was and I told him and he said that he lived within 10 blocks of that location and after I was done with my appointment I should call him and he would direct me to his house. We would have wine and get to know each other. At this point I was so anxious that I just laughed and said great and hung up the phone.
I went upstairs to see my dear doctor and told him what happened and he said “No, Lucinda, you go to Starbucks.”
I realized how quickly I had fallen into the trap of being the obedient prey of the testosterone filled male. I felt as if I had been drugged for a period of time and without knowing it had gone along with something that was completely insane. The thing that scared me the most was I thought that if I hadn’t had to be at a doctors appointment I would’ve driven to his house as instructed.
Once I had completed my appointment I got into my car and called this man back and said look I’m so sorry I can’t come to your house as I don’t feel comfortable doing so why don’t we meet at Piatti or some local spot that’s convenient to us both and have a glass of wine and get to know each other.
There was an explosion from this man of anger and abuse. He accused me of agreeing to meet him and then saying I wouldn’t. He wouldn’t listen to the reason on my part as to why I felt uncomfortable coming to his house when I had never met him. He belittled me and made no effort to try to find a comfortable place to meet where we both could get to know one another in a normal manner. The more I listened to this, the more I felt frozen. I realized that I felt just like a child: unable to stop him and terrified by the anger I had a provoked in a man I didn’t even know.
All of this happened in under three minutes.
This seemed like slow motion. I find that when these type of things happen I often feel frozen. I knew I should hang up the phone but there’s a part of me that was so scared of doing something wrong. I kept trying to work things out for way too long.
Luckily in this situation I did finally end the call and it was clear to me that he wanted to be sure I knew he was the one that was breaking this off. All I could think of was what would’ve happened if I had gone to his house and had a glass of wine with him?
I have told the story to four or five of my women friends. Friends that I consider to be very wise and very confident and very liberated in their lives. All of them understood my behavior and said that they had done similar things. What was really bewildering to all of us is why that intense and frightening testosterone filled male voice still had the ability to make us do things we would never do.
I’m very grateful that the bottom line for me was that I didn’t go to this man’s house and I have had the time to reflect on the insanity of doing that. It’s also made it much clearer to me the kind of man I want to be with: a man who treats me with gentle compassion and respect and deep and abiding love. We laugh at the world, have each others back and feel cozy but also spicy together. Our conversations are open periods of expression with listening and sharing. Above all we have respect for each other. I know he’s out there somewhere.