Quarantine? Hell I’m not having a problem. Last night I went over for a cocktail to the house of a guy I’ve been dancing with electronically and I told him I wanted to talk to him. In man language that means oh shit. I wear my mask and rubber gloves and I climb the two floors to his condo and we go out onto his deck where there’s a breeze and he pulls out this cheese plate with these giant hunks of cheese and we drink ruby wine. We talk about people on the street below us and how many women he’s involved with. He telling me he tells me he’s engaged and he holds up his hand on which there is this really unfortunate looking metal thing on his ring finger. I laugh at him and I say that doesn’t make any difference you were pursuing me two months ago and you were engaged then too.
You are only engaged when you feel like being engaged. I look over at him and make note of his slightly tattered ski vest, a shirt that probably has seen better days, hair that is half dyed brown and half gray stuffed under a tattered looking baseball cap and a face that has a history of loss and then I surprise myself by saying to him would you like to know what I want? His face freezes and his mouth is half open and he looks at me like what the hell am I going to say? So I say to him here’s what I want: I want to have dinner with someone every night. I want to be like ET and put my finger out and touch someone else’s. I want to know during this terrible period that there’s somebody there who cares about me and I’m going to be talking to them and I can text them and say I’m scared and they will be there for me. I want somebody who’s cozy and knows when to shut up and when to talk. I want someone who is loyal and faithful and who knows how to keep himself sober. I want someone who takes a shower every day and brushes his teeth and reads interesting stories so he can later recant them to me. I want someone who is devoted to me, highly entertaining, and cleans up after himself. I want someone who goes to sleep and does not move all night long or snore. I want somebody who thinks about when and what we’re going to have for dinner because I don’t want to think about that.
So I’m done with my request and there is a pause and I look at him waiting for an answer and he says to me,
“ I don’t want to have dinner with someone every night!”
I’ve got to say this was the smartest conversation I’ve ever had in my whole history of dating as I got an immediate result and I know this guy has to be removed from the list. I was laughing so hard on the way home I could hardly drive. As soon as I got home he sent me a text saying I already miss you. I’m sure he does. It felt incredibly liberating and I no longer have any fantasy life about this man and frankly I don’t know why I did in the first place but I did and now it’s gone. I’m gonna do this from now on. Just read my list.