one foot out the door: go with instinct or denial?

When in a relationship it is a good idea to keep one foot out the door: true or false ? You might not believe this was a good way to operate? All the self-help books as well as the “right way to have a relationship” books would be shocked at that credo. You are supposed to trust with your heart and jump right in  when falling in love and making a commitment. I always preferred to keep one foot out the door. Keep a full tank of gas. Buy a small house in another state. Make lots of single friends. Always note any possible sign of a failing commitment and take a step away. Never trust anyone but act as if you trust the whole world. People are shocked when I say this as most others view me as open-hearted. I think I am open-hearted on the one hand, but on the other I see things I am not supposed to see.  The most difficult thing in life is to merge your instinct and your intellect.

If you have the gift or the ability to connect with your instinct you have an awareness of others in a way that gives you a clear picture of what they are and what they do. You know when you have been betrayed and you also know when, where and who it was with. I have had clear visions of  betrayal and when I confronted my partner about it and was told I was crazy, I felt crazy. My instinctive self is so strong it wouldn’t allow me to move on but kept on nudging me  into seeing the truth. I wanted more than anything to believe I was imagining things as it would have made life so much easier. It is easier to think you are crazy than to know someone you love has lied to you. Women have done this for centuries. We are trained to overlook our third eyes or even to overlook our real eyes. I remember that funny scene from an old Flip Wilson skit when the wife comes home to find Flip in bed with another woman. Flip jumps out of bed and says, “Who are you going to believe, me or your lying eyes?”

We chose more often than we can admit to believe the guy and doubt our own instincts. I think there are men in the world who are faithful and who don’t lie to their partners. Unfortunately the more money and power a man has, the more likely he is to fool around. My mother used to say to me, “Dear, they all do it!”

I wonder what it is like to have both feet in a relationship and to trust your partner? I wonder how you determine whether or not someone is trustworthy and then what you do if you find they are not? There are those who will say it is best to trust and then deal with the loss of trust when it comes but I think this is incredibly painful. I think as you get older the ability to trust is gone if it has been damaged in past years. My philosophy in loving now is to see the truth about others and try to view everyone with compassion. I have spent decades whining about men and their failures to my friends, therapists and my pets. Now I am trying to see what someone has to offer and not judge this offering but choose whether or not it works for me. This practice makes life so much easier and I wish I had started years ago. Yes, it is painful to know someone has lied to you and  been unfaithful but in the long run it is less painful than to live in a fragile state of denial.

I am hoping to be able to find a relationship that is rich in trust before I die. I can’t imagine how relaxing it must be to know in your heart and your intuitive self your partner was truthful, open and loyal to you. I think only in finding this person will I be able to be the same way myself and keep both my feet inside the door. That would be the most interesting thing to me about  finding a partner to travel with. in this lifetime.

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