I have been conducting a survey of the single population and researching attitudes about holidays. I have been doing this because I hate holidays and I wanted to see if all my other single friends felt the same way. The answer in a nut shell is : some do and some don’t but most do. I hate holidays because they make me feel alone if I have no plans and I can easily fall down that rabbit hole of anxiety and think I have no friends, no life, no interesting work, I am useless, etc, etc, etc….everyone else is out there in a happy group having fun and laughing and feeling cozy.Now I know all of you who are reading this will think to yourselves, no, she doesn’t really believe that, but, in fact, I can think those exact thoughts. I was speaking with my daughter the other night and she was saying that I had always liked to make plans for holidays. At first I resented this remark as I felt defensive hearing her say that. I felt as if I were defective in some way having this character flaw so I began my research into the matter. Was I alone in feeling this way or did others fall right down the hole with me?
It is interesting as many long term singles(I count myself in this category) will not state openly they hate holidays as they have become used to not acknowledging their own feelings of loneliness no matter what! As people who have chosen to live their lives without a partner we have certain responsibilities to the rest of the world. We must appear as if we are happy and content in our solitary lives and some or most of the time we are. If we appear this way we are more likely to be seen as entertaining people who will be invited places. This is important as we like being invited places. For some reason holidays are times when people invite family and not friends to join them most of the time. My family is spread out all over the place and therefore I can’t impose myself on them here.
I hate the feeling of abandonment and anxiety as I don’t know how to make it go away. Well, that is not completely true.I do know at this popint in my life how to handle it and here are some of my tricks and solutions:
Tell yourself this will pass and remember how it has passed in the past(I like the rhythm of that statement)
Look at only the day in front of you beginning the night before and make some small plans for yourself that involve only you! The gymn, a yoga class, a hike, a meal out sitting somewhere you enjoy, an art project or something similar, a visit to a museum, a movie. Make a schedule in your mind and follow it the next day.
Be sure to think of yourself following the schedule and feeling happy and content as this is what makes these tactics effective. Visualize yourself having an amazing day.
Speak to strangers. This is a very good thing to do. Obviously we can’t speak to all strangers but be selective and enjoy the people you will meet.
Take a walk in your neighborhood.
Lie on your back in the sun.
Buy a new book that entices you and then go home and read it!
Play with someone’s pet for at least 15 minutes. This could also be your own pet!
Drive around SOMEWHERE NEW!
Plant something even if it has to be in a pot.
Choose a movie to see that is completely unlike you(childrens or scifi or whatever)
Go to the zoo.
speak to more strangers
Be sure not to stay home during “L’heure bleu” the hour of darkness between 5 and 7 as it will tend to make you sad
call up someone and invite them for a walk
think about the world and wonder what will happen and then write down what you wondered.
If all of the above don’t help you then email me and I will. I find doing my healing work really makes me feel happy and peaceful in the world. If I am feeling a bit sad I look for someone who needs Healing Touch and I offer it to them. After a session I always feel grateful I found this work. In the long run there is no one to help you with these feelings of sadness in life. There are buffers you can use like family and friends and they do help but learning to conquer the fear of abandonment is one of the greatest hurdles we face. If we stick to it eventually we learn how to surpass it and we know what to do when we feel it. We stop trying to push against it and allow these feeling’s to wash over us and pass on which is much less unpleasant that one might think. If we spend a lot of time and energy trying to avoid the pain of finding ourselves alone we miss the pleasure that can be found in it.
I am an optimist and a romantic and I hope that before the end of my time in this life I find a partner to share my life with. Most of my single friends have given up this hope but I refuse to. What I have been pondering recently is why it feels so hard for me to imagine another person in my house or my life all the time?I have successfully avoided this for may years telling myself this was right for me. Now I am wondering what it would be like to share space with someone and to trust that person to allow me to be truly myself. I think it might be a good thing. I am practicing this thought. I know when I am finished the right man will appear.