I had dinner with a new friend last night and we spoke of the necessity of social networking if one is living a single life. We both agreed that the process of keeping a calender filled required a lot of energy and devotion but, in the end, it was worth it. I find if I look at my week in scribbles of black and white and see I don’t have an open night, I feel satisfied and safe. I feel content as I know the end of each day will be filled with the presence of another person whose company I enjoy. If I were in relationship with someone I lived with perhaps I wouldn’t feel so lucky. I actually have no idea how to survive with another human being in close proximity. I know this is a character flaw. I really do long for the cosiness of a body here in my house on a regular basis, not counting the long haired warmth of Rosie, that is. I can’t quite figure out why I am as old as I am and have not yet settled on someone with whom to share the remainder of my days. I am a romantic so I believe it will happen as long as I keep on believing it will happen.I greet each day with joy and peace and a longing for someone to shout out to and discuss the news over coffee. Then I imagine what this would actually be like and realize I have been alone for so long that maybe I wouldn’t like another body right there in the room with me. Maybe I am just fooling myself. Many of my friends have to make breakfast and dinner for their husbands on a daily basis. This seems really tiresome to me. I don’t like doing anything on a regular basis except sleep. I think I have always been this way. In my town I get excited seeing all the restaurants I haven’t been to: I don’t really like going back to the same ones as though they are wonderful, they lack the excitement of unexplored territory. I love unexplored territory and the darkness and light of it.
It is hot here today: so hot that my dog isn’t tempted to chase the lizard that slowly crosses the deck. If I were sailing I would watch the sail with a vulture’s eye hoping for a movement. Time goes more slowly in the heat and it makes me want to smoke and sit and think…I haven’t finished reading the paper or cleaning up my small place and maybe I won’t.Maybe I will meditate on how to have a personality transplant or maybe on the beauty of the moment. It is a toss up at this point.
Why do men try to date younger women? I find it really annoying. Perhaps I find it annoying as I am now an “older” woman but I think it is because it is such arrogant behavior. Most men who I see attempting to do this have a lot of money. These men are so silly. Do they actually think a younger woman would want to be with them if they were poor? Why in the world would a young woman with a young body and face who is hoping for marriage and children possibly be interested in hanging out with an older guy unless it was for the security which money provides? In all likelihood he will not marry her as he already has kids and even grand kids. In all likelihood he will take her on fancy trips, show her off to all his guy friends, and then wonder why she is angry with him for not marrying her? I find the older/younger thing troublesome. I fell in love with a man who was 10 years younger than me but looked about 20 years younger than me. He was incredibly sweet and tender and the most beautiful man I have ever seen or felt. I plan to take those memories into my old age and bring them out when I am in a rocking chair and whiling away a hot afternoon in Maine. He didn’t make me feel younger, however, or more powerful. he made me feel loved in a very special way. I don’t think this is how my men friends feel who are on a hunt for a much younger woman.I think having a young woman around makes them feel more powerful than before and as if they have won something. Women don’t feel like this with younger men. We feel almost magically lucky as we are being treated so differently than in other relationships we have had with men our own age. I am trying to find the similarity here. Do women and men of a certain age react in the same way to beauty in the opposite sex? I would say “yes”. Do women feel the need to possess that person? I would say “no”. I know in my case I feel into love with this man and then after a time it was over for us. We are still close friends and love each other but I feel it was more I than he who was troubled by the age difference. Many people said we didn’t look dramatically different in age. This may or may not be true. For me it was the feeling I had of not being safe with him. I like the comfort of being with someone who is my equal in age as well as experience. I believe in the path of life and enjoy being an attractive older woman. I like it that men on the sidewalk still whistle when I walk by. I say to myself, “That’s pretty nice!” and keep on walking. I wonder how long this will keep up? I don’t spend too much time wondering, however, as I have many more interesting things to think about these days.
For some time now I have been feeling powerless: powerless about my relationships as well as my work life, and completely powerless about what is happening in the world. Many great spiritual leaders claim that powerlessness is a good state to acknowledge as it is only from this state that we may live a present life. From the time I get up in the morning to the time I go to bed, I remind myself I am powerless in the world. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn’t. I find the world to be more frightening than it has ever been before as there is no real constant or nothing that is certain to count on. People used to say all one could count on was death and taxes. That is certainly still true but is a statement completely lacking in comfort. Our country is in a real mess and for a few months now newscasters as well as government leaders have been trying to persuade Americans that the crisis is over and the economy is on an upswing.People have invested their savings back into the stock market. That advice made me angry and frightened as well. In California behavior is particularly frightening as the malls are filled with people carrying shopping bags. Every time I go past the mall parking lot near where I live I am surprised to see there are no vacant parking spaces. People are shopping like crazy despite the fact that California has one of the highest unemployment rates in the country. Our social service programs are being cut left and right. Foreclosures happen about once a minute in this state and we may be forced to close some of our most beloved national parks. Granted, California is a huge state and one that has been mismanaged but other states will undoubtedly follow this same path. We simply can no longer afford the life we took for granted for so many years. People that are shopping must be bringing their credit cards up to the max once again believing that life will spring back to where it was. They are not considering what is really happening but are living in the present moment to a dangerous degree. Many people are doing this today. Many are afraid to really examine what is going on in the world as it is really scary to do so. Iran is on the edge of a major revolution, Korea is dangerously close to using nuclear weapons to assert itself, China is readying its economic policies to take over the markets and assume America’s place as leader of the world. Actually, China, Brasil and India will all have to duke it out in the coming years to see who will take over as the biggest and the best. I would like to place my vote on India as I believe in the culture of education found there as well as the great sense of spirituality. I think I would lose in that bet so I won’t make it. It looks to me like China will win out as they are the greediest at the moment and perhaps the most uncaring about the rest of the world. You won’t see China jumping in to feed a country after famine resulting from internal strife hits somewhere in the world. You probably won’t see China jumping in to save another country from communism or from the perils of a disease that could have been prevented by inoculation. China will sit back and collect interest from the loans she will make to other countries in the world while ignoring whatever pain is going on. Do I think this is bad behavior? Not really. I think we have wasted countless dollars as well as human lives on wars we had no reason to get involved with other than the ego of our military leaders and our presidents.I think now we have to wait while the scene we have created unfolds. If the Mayans are correct, we will live to see a new world order which is more generous, loving and kind and which supports love and human life above all else. So far everything that has happened was predicted in their calendar many centuries ago. I feel powerless because I am powerless. We all are. Any attempt to fell otherwise will be viewed as a joke by the universe.
She doesn’t really feel like writing much these days. I see her start to write and then wander off so I know it is my chance to blither on. I can understand why she feels like this. Frankly, a day watching Bloomberg can ruin any chance of fun for me. There are few treats when she feels like this. I am worried about my dinner! What if she can’t afford the good dog food I like? What if she forgets about feeding me all together? Tonight we had dinner with a friend of hers who has another friend who has a dachshund like me. This friend of his is thinking of giving away her dachshund as she says he is biting people. Now I know this can’t be true. not one of mine! We only bite when there is real danger. And I mean serious danger! We bite when someone is about to really hurt us or someone we love. Think about it! What would the world be like if we simply gave away our family members because we were sick and tired of caring for them? I think that is what Bloomberg is doing. We are all scared about where our next biscuit is coming from as we watch the dwindling resources of this country. The way the dollar is plunging is scary and the way the stupid government people are printing money is scary. I remember a few years ago when one of her young friends had a toy printing press. He kept printing out dollar bills in the excited manner of most five year olds do when given a new toy. He used this “money” to get his parents to buy him stuff. The parents complied with him. He kept printing. They kept buying. Sooner or later something had to give. The parents had given too much. The kid went to school and the parents hid the printing press. The kids came home and whined for a moment and then found another toy. The trouble is we have no parents to give away the printing press to stop this nonsense. This is no game. A dog doesn’t just begin to bite for no reason. An owner gets sick of caring for a dog when they are depressed and then the owner begins to fabricate stories about why they can’t keep the dog. The big wigs in Washington where I have never been are not paying attention to what is really happening here. Dogs biting for no reason. Currencies dropping. People losing jobs. Families dropping their dogs at shelters. Families breaking apart. No bones for breakfast! I am worried. I wish I could write a silly blog but for the first time I agree with her.