notes from a dachshund: why a Portuguese water dog?

Just the other day I was thinking why in the world did our president buy a Portuguese water dog for the White House? First of all, there is no Portuguese water in the white house. It has to be American. What will that dog drink? Bottled Portuguese water? Who will go out and buy that without a fanfare? Certainly not Michelle Obama! She can’t be seen buying Portuguese! That poor dog will have to give up his own water and  be converted. I know how hard it is to be converted. You know who decided to save money buy installing a filter on the water tap rather than buying bottled water. I liked the bottled water! Particularly Fiji water as it is sublime! Fiji water reminds me of springtime and mudlucious in the words of e. e. cummings  and catching frogs down by the shore. We used to do that a lot when she was rich. Now that our life has changed we go on walks in our neighborhood rather than to far away places that had room service and where the waiters always brought me treats! Oh!  How I loved those treats! Hamburgers swimming in butter and tasty chops with lots of  fat on the edges. Once I found some chocolate under a bed but that didn’t end well. Mostly those places loved me and paid me a lot of attention particularly during cocktail hour. How I love cocktail hour! All those tidbits being passed about. The thing about being a dog is that people have no reason to suspect you are perfectly capable of listening to whatever they say to one another. I have heard the most amazing stuff simply by sidling up to people. Actually, so has you know who. She does this thing of pretending to be asleep or in a trance so people forget she is there and just start babbling to each other. They tell each other everything that is going on in their head including some stuff that should stay in their head. Once she heard some people begin to talk about her and then she had to wake up as no matter how confident you are, hearing gossip that is mean about yourself is just not fun! What is fun is cosiness with warm meat thrown in. Let’s face it,  nowadays it is easier to be a dog that is loved than a human. I read over her shoulder in the paper today that during the depression of the 1930’s the divorce rate slowed. Humans today are so silly. Bickering is just a waste of time. Think about it. First, do what I tell you. Smile. Feel your face in a smile. It feels good, right? I must say I have a great smile for a dachshund. It is long and sweet and I have very pretty white, sharp teeth. Now try frowning or try growling, it is basically the same thing.  Feel how that feels bad on your face? Your face feels sad just doing it. We should be happy dogs with happy human owners because then us dogs would get more tasty treats! Forget the Portuguese water! Buy American! Smile! Take your dog to the pond! Lick your wife in the face!

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