Finding Your Bliss: Magic

Cover of Night Swimming

 

Finding your bliss in the pool

Last night I went to a water aerobics class at a local pool and got there early as usual.  The night was cool and the water, warm, and the sky was filled with stars. As I was the only one in the pool I half heartedly began a few laps. First I swam breaststroke as that is my relaxing mode, and then I did my dolphin turn over and began my favorite backstroke. I found it hard, initially; to continue my path across this pool I know so well but had never swam in at night time. The steam from the warm water created a thick mist which flowed in unexplained currents across the water.  The night air chilled my arms and the top of my head yet the clouds of steam entranced me in a way that was mystical and very magical. I felt almost hypnotized by the appearance of sky and mist and then more sky and more mist. When the other members of the class began to appear in the pool I felt as if I were a part of the cast of Cocoon . People entered the pool with a great silence and yet a familiarity with each other. There were proper introductions all around of me, “the new kid” and I was welcomed to the class led by a very funny woman. I allowed myself to be directed by the leader for a while and then noticed I was disregarding the instructions and simply swimming where ever I wished which was mostly back to the backstroke which had produced this amazing feeling of hallucinogenic drugs but without having to swallow anything. I remarked several times to my fellow class members that the backstroke was definitely euphoric and the sight of the steamy water interspersed by the clouds was something they should see but I had no persuasive power.

I think I must have some type of autism as I know my behavior must have seemed odd to others but I really didn’t care. I just wanted to be lost again in the dream of the mist and the pleasures of the hemisphere. There is a reason I live alone, I know this.

There are many of us who live alone and some of the time it is a good thing and some of the time it feels lonely but I am not certain I know how to live in the company of others. Maybe I never did. I have always had this ability to see magic which I refuse to give up. People have found it annoying in me but I find it a secret treasure. I am very grateful that it is there in my mind and has refused to leave me all of these years.

I startle easily, am very sensitive to fragrance unless I have chosen to have it under my nose, and dislike loud and harsh sounds. My mother drank while pregnant, smoked L and M cigarettes and was heavily sedated while I was being born. Most of us boomers had the same kind of mother. In those days mothers didn’t think about all the things mothers have to think of today. When my very serious Grandfather visited my mother after giving birth in the hospital she was smoking. He knocked on the door to her room and she threw her cigarette in the drawer of the nightstand and told him to come in. The trail of smoke from the drawer never seemed to cross his attention and she told me the story with laughter in her voice every time. It is a funny story.

Life brings you stuff to deal with every day that may or may not be stressful, painful, difficult or joyful. Most of us worry a lot about things that never happen. Most of us live in the future all the time and constantly create fantasies that sometimes happen and sometimes don’t. In this New Year it is a good thing to try to stay in the present moment and find your own magic there. Maybe it is a glimpse of moss covered rock or heron fishing for lunch, or maybe it is the turn of an ear of your children, or maybe a conversation of a stranger you overhear, or maybe it is the steam from a pool you are swimming in at night.

I loved night swimming as a child and my mother would drive us up to the country club pool near where we lived in her glamorous car with her hair tied back like Audrey Hepburn and she would play old Frank Sinatra songs on the radio which would fade in and out according to the hills and dales of Connecticut. Her eyes would soften as she turned each curve and though we were right there sitting up high on the back of her convertible car we could have been anywhere as she was lost in her magic. I was happy to see her face glowing in the moonlight and her slight smile as she drove wistfully into the night. Happy she knew how to create magic for us and happy to find the pool, deserted and waiting.

“The Razor’s Edge”

Cover of The Razor's Edge

Why The Razor’s Edge is still so appealing….

Recently a good friend of mine recommended that I read The Razor’s Edge and so I picked it up on my way to Lenox, Massachusetts.  Once I began to read the book, I was hooked as I found it to be a great story about the meaning of life. Unlike the popular hit of paper and film. “Eat, Pray, Love”, I was engrossed in the movement of the main character and his approach to and passion for understanding life and finding purpose. Why did this book so deeply touch me? I recommend that you read it if you haven’t already.

I have always believed that if I tried hard enough and kept searching long enough I would reach a place of understanding of my life and my purpose on this earth. I assumed that others felt the same way as I do. As life has gone on I have begun to understand  that some share this quest of mine while others are content to merely live out their lives and do what is expected of them, rarely questioning the path they find themselves on. If you are lucky enough to have been born into a family with resources it is obviously easier to be on this quest for meaning as you have more time on your hands. Let’s face it, if you have to struggle to pay your bills or have serious health issues, or have been  fired from a solid job after 20 years as many have today, you don’t have the luxury of sitting back and reflecting on what the meaning of life should be. Your focus is on basic survival and what it means rather than what your path should be.

Having children also prevents a lot of reflection as once you have a child you will never again be responsible for just yourself: you will always have someone more important than you to look out for. While I understand that it isn’t a good idea to put the life of your child above your own, I think it is practically impossible to avoid not doing this once you have one. My father used to say, “You are only as happy as your most unhappy child.” And I think there is some truth to that statement.

The Razor’s Edge resonated with me as I have never been able to lead a life of leisure, even now at my advanced age. I find parties exhausting and cocktail parties, the most exhausting. I hate having to dress in “appropriate” clothing though I love beautiful clothes.  When I find myself in lovely restaurants I often feel frozen as if I am an actress in a play. It is extremely rare for me to be able to sit at a table with someone for more than an hour or so and when I find I have done that I know I have found a treasure of a human being.

This novel speaks of society and our role in whatever society we are a part of, and examines the value of a life within certain groups versus a life lived without expectations of behavior and only a quest for meaning.  Taking the path of enlightenment may mean giving up structure as well as acceptable behavior in order to find one’s soul.

Recently I have been feeling as if I am not sure where I should live or what my path should be. I have lived on both coasts: one is better for me socially and the other, professionally. I find myself dissatisfied with only a good social life and long for satisfying work, and when I am happily working I feel lonely returning home at night to an empty house. I know there is a reason I am facing this challenge as I know I have to make a decision about where to live very soon. I think as you get older you find yourself thinking about how many years you have left on this planet and what kind of life you want to have. To me, the best life is one filled with love and where you believe you are making a contribution to the world around you. Finding that life is what I am up to now.

I loved the book because I am also searching for a meaningful life and I feel as if I have to make a type of vision quest to do it. Most of my life I have been too easily influenced by the opinion of others, though no one that knows me would agree with that statement. I think we all are. Finding our bliss, as Joseph Campbell stated, can only be done by focusing on what it is that brings us joy. For me, it is often helping others, making them laugh, donating to charities, or just having someone in my life that I cherish and love to come home to at the end of the day. In my heart I am a pretty simple person. I started out that way and find that the older I get. The simpler I become.

The happiest life I can imagine is to live with someone you love very much and have work that brings you great joy, whether it is a certain regular job or more creative endeavors. I wonder how many of you agree with me and are lucky enough to have both.