More on Women and Violence

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Today in the New York Times there are a number of articles about the brutality of men towards women. Sometimes it amazes me how many of these stories we find. I know there are good men in the world but I constantly read about violence against women on the front page of every major newspaper. Today’s paper told a story of a woman in Afghanistan who had tried to kill herself by covering herself with cooking oil and then igniting herself with a match. She has burns which cover 60 % of her body.

She did this because she was ashamed to not have brought a gift to a birthday party. A male relative had scolded her for forgetting and this remark was the straw that broke the camels’ back. It is easy to imagine what her life was like and the abuse she had suffered from male relatives in the past to make her do this horrible thing to herself. Evidently this is a favorite form of suicide in Afghanistan as the tools are readily available: cooking oil and matches.

I wonder how long the world will have countries where women are second class citizens who have no rights and are physically and mentally abused with no consequence. Will it be another 100 years? Another 50? If we look into the future how will we begin to stop these practices? NPR was broadcasting the trial today of the man who abducted Elizabeth Smart  and the audience heard in detail what he did to a 14 year old girl. Rape, terror and all the while this was watched by his wife who supported the kidnapping. I can’t get my mind around this behavior. What twist of psychosis makes men want to possess a 14 year old girl? The trial of the man who broke into the home of Dr. William Petit and raped and killed his wife and daughters is also going on and the man was found guilty and sentenced to death. I wish he could be killed immediately!

What really offends me is the time and money which will be spent on this sentence and on the trial and retrial and retrial again. If it were up to me I would have them taken outside the court and shot to death. I know. There are a lot of people who will be shocked at my language, argue that our system protects its innocent, and form an argument that shows how wrong I am.

In this case it is clear what these men have done so let’s punish them immediately and not wait around. Maybe if the consequences of such a crime were equally violent things would shift. This is a radically un Buddhist thought, I know, but I am filled with disgust at these crimes and imagine that it was my daughter.

The last article today in the Times that moved me was the story of the parents of a young American woman who was killed in Palestine while protesting in a rally by soldiers who ran over her with a tank. These parents were suing the army and the government in order to make the soldiers aware and accountable for what they had done. Good for those parents! Instead of sadly accepting their daughter’s death, they are fighting the government who made it happen and publicizing the tragedy to the world. Imagine being strong enough to do such a thing.

Life is precious and brief. Violence has always been with us. I have no suggestions on how to make it stop.

Saturday Thoughts on Bullying

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Saturday Thoughts on Bullying

Sometimes men speak very loudly when dealing with me and when they do this it hurts my ears .I see and hear men doing this to other women as well from time to time. The other day I was at my new house where I am interviewing men to work there. I would have liked to hire only women but it seems there are only male electricians and plumbers which are what I need. I do have a female architect who I like very much as well as a great designer but that’s about it in terms of people who will restore my lovely house.

Actually it doesn’t need much restoration as the lady who lived there was as in love with her house as I am now. It does not have wiring and plumbing and heating that match this century, however, and I need those things. I am a big fan of electricity, heat and hot water. There’s nothing I like better than a nice hot bath, a good book, a glass of wine, and central heating. Well, maybe popcorn.

Anyway the other day I interviewed another electrician and he was a very loud talker. He fired off technical questions as if we were on a quiz show and I was a contestant. AMP’s, BTU’S and CAT 5 were flying all over the place. I felt refreshed and stimulated by this interrogation as I batted the terms right back at him and stared him straight in the eye. Wow! It was fun! Though he was much larger than me in every way I felt as if I were just his size and that we were very well matched. St the time I didn’t really take notice of how much fun this interaction was but in reflection I see I enjoyed it as I wasn’t being bullied. I might have been had I not responded as I did but I didn’t take that road.

Probably this guy had bad experiences working with women who didn’t have a general contractor working with them. Maybe it took too long for him to explain things and this frustrated him or maybe he simply was a bully or maybe he is just kindove gruff. It really doesn’t matter. What mattered to me was how much I enjoyed not allowing myself to be bullied and how it wasn’t even an issue.

So I have learned something, I think. Some of the time, anyway, we allow men to bully us and it really isn’t helpful to the man or to us for this to happen. I went to a conference on abused women and the focus was on how to help the men who did this. I went, initially, because a friend of mine was working on this cause and invited me. I was prepared to be disgusted and unsympathetic but left with more understanding of why this happens.

I still think the men who do this should be locked up for a long time but now I have a little more of a perspective on the dynamic of it all. I liked feeling as big as that man and at the end of our interchange I know we respected each other. I hope his bid comes in a good range as I would like to hire him. I found that learning how to be strong verbally is almost as good as learning to shoot was.

Life gets better as I get older. Others worry about aging and losing power and being alone. I share those worries at times. It is a strange time to be alive. Everything is changing yet so much is the same. Hope is in the air. The other day there was an article in the New York Times talking about how people are learning to solve problems and face the future by being inclusive in their communications. How wonderful is that? Arguing for the sake of winning seems a foolish exercise while discussing for the sake of a more agreeable and profitable outcome seems very sensible, indeed.

Want a Boy? Dress Your Daughter as One!

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Dress Your Daughter Like A Son!

Be a Boy for Your Childhood!

Experience Freedom While in Costume!

Make Your Parents Empowered!

All this and more for exchanging the life of a girl in Afghanistan for that of a boy.

This week the NY Times has a cover story on families who shave the heads of their daughters and raise them as sons often until they are married. Azita Rafaat, who is a Member of Parliament, has done this with her daughter, Mehran, and states that her life is better as a boy. I am confused by this article as it seems many know that these girls are really girls and am not fooled by the disguise. If, for example, teachers and coaches know the true gender of a child, what is the point of the disguise? Obviously giving an interview to the NY Times will blow Mehran’s cover and her mother will be exposed but this obviously doesn’t matter to the family or the society. Is there no one else out there who finds this crazy?

“In Some Afghan Families a Fake Son is Considered Better than None” NY Times,   9/21/10

This is the most confusing logic to me. It goes like this: if you have no sons but do have three daughters, you chose one daughter to be a son. You cut her hair off and dress her in boy’s clothes. You tell her school she is now a boy. She is allowed to go out of the house freely without as many restrictions as she had as a girl. Everyone in her family, neighborhood and school knows her true sex, yet she is allowed more freedom to experience life as a boy and not as restricted in her behavior.

I don’t know what to say about this as it is so weird. Why wouldn’t every girl want to be a boy in Afghanistan? Freedom of movement, more confidence, more attention? I guess they need some girls to stay girls so there will be something to compare male behavior and allowances to. What happens to these girls when they have to go back to being a girl at puberty or upon marriage? The article refers to some who looks back on their “boy” period as a wonderful one as they had so much freedom.

I like logical behavior and find this tradition most illogical as it is sexist but not sexist. A girl can become a boy overnight by cutting her hair and having her parents change her sex in schools. She can only live this life, however, until marriage or puberty. She can live out her childhood in relative freedom and compete in sports, speak her mind, and travel without much restriction in her neighborhood.

Why wouldn’t every girl want to be a boy? I know I would have. The truth is, I would have been really pissed to have to go back to being a girl and get married. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a transsexual, I just like freedom. I can’t imagine experiencing it and then having it taken away. Taking away freedom is done all the time in this world. Particularly to women. It’s almost as if men laugh a bit at this article as they know in their hearts how unfair this role playing is. Why should girls have to dress as boys to be allowed to do more in life? Tradition? Religion? Who knows?  I still find this practice confusing.