Last night I went walking in my neighborhood after the sun had set. We have odd-looking street lamps that cast a soft orange glow on the sidewalks but they cast this glow sporadically. Some streets are well-lit and others are dark and spooky. I remembered playing a game as a kids where I would force myself to walk in the dark and imagine all the scary things that were there hiding and ready to jump out and get me.For some reason children like to be scared hence the invention of the roller coaster. I don’t like to be scared anymore. I have really had enough of fear and don’t like it when it appears in my life. Fear is bad for your body anyway. Think about it. When you are afraid you feel a terrible feeling in the pit of your stomach and an almost sickening sense comes over you. Your heartbeat speeds up and your skin becomes clammy. There are a lot of people in the world who are in this state most of the time. Say soldiers, for instance, or some cops, abused women or children, and small animals who have no place to hide. Fear is an ugly and dangerous force as it debilitates both humans and animals and makes their lives different from those who have little fear. We go into the state of fear so rapidly in todays’ world. One minute we are outside having fun and the next we are terrified as the war is escalating, the market is falling, our house is being foreclosed or our children are in danger. I think life was easier a generation ago. There was a lot to lose then too but not as much fear. People had their families to count on and to shelter them. You could go home to your wife who wore a Betty Crocker apron and have a nice dinner, watch the evening news and go to sleep. You could do this all across America.That’s why I like to walk in the newly dark evening. I started this habit as a child. In our neighborhood there was a lot of land around the houses so in order to see into them you had to walk up very close and peer into windows. I used to take evening walks when our Dad was out-of-town as then we had an early dinner and were supposed to be doing our homework. I liked some houses better than others as they were cozier and more interesting. The smaller the house was , the more apt I was to see a whole family sitting together. This was what I liked to find as it made me happy. Looking into the window of a happy family was and is infinitely comforting to me as it reassures me people still can find a place to live without fear. The house size correlation seems to be still as true as it was 50 years ago. Last night I saw a house that was smaller than all the rest and inside the window I could see an older couple watching TV. The house looked comfortably used and had a slouchy sofa with an old fashioned TV. For a moment I thought they were watching a DVD of Walter Cronkite but then I saw it was Animal Kingdom. I would like to be watching Animal Kingdom on a slouchy sofa with some guy I loved. in a cozy house with drapes instead of Levelour shades.
Archive for pain
Square red planter
There is something very inspiring about an empty planter. Sometimes I leave planters unfilled for an entire season. This is disturbing to many and inspiring to others.I like the looks of this empty red planter because it looks as if it has been empty for a long time. This morning in the Times there is an article about the economy which suggests the stock market can be turned around by a national mental condition of positive thinking. That is, if a larger group of investors believes the market is on an upswing, it will be on one. I can understand this theory as it seems logical to me. However, I do not believe we should count on this theory to save our necks in todays economy. I do believe we are all still frightened about what is going on. We have never seen an unemployment rate as high as ours which is frightening. We have also never seen such a high rate of debt. I have no idea where to invest in the future nor in the present. Some say we should be investing at least 40% of our net worth outside the country. I believe that may be true but still have no idea where we should invest. Is China a good bet? Shall we bet on the future of Brasil or is India the place to look ? Scandinavia is also looking good to some. So back to the theory of stock market swings and the emotional state of investors. What if the emotional state of americans is positively affecting the market and causing the Dow to rise as it has over the past 6 months?Now it is winter and in winter the truth always comes out. There are still many foreclosures and in some state the rate is rising not falling. People are filling the malls and buying things they don’t need for holiday gifts. Credit card debt is rising rapidly. A friend of mine recently lost her line of credit as the issuing bank canceled it claiming she had not paid the monthly fee on time. She claimed she had and protested the decision but to no avail. In the paper this morning there is also an article about a bank that changed its billing envelope to one without any markings. It was thrown out by many customers and the bank then collected late fees for balances due that were not paid. What is going on now? Is there a kind of game happening in the world of banks and credit card companies where the point is to trick the consumer out of their money so you win more money? This is a really paranoid way to think but what if it is true? What role would the government play in such a game?
I am disturbed about the way things are going and worried about our country. I think many people want to recession to be over because they have no attention span for deprivation. It is much more fun to spend what you want on things you really don’t need. It is easier and faster to go out and buy things rather than to look inside yourself and discover what fills the void without spending money. That’s my task for today. I am heading out to the paths in our neighborhood to find beauty and serenity and see if it makes me happy. I am hoping glances at the beauty of California will make me deeply satisfied with my Sunday. I hope it works as I am no better than anyone else. A visit to Nordstroms is better than vanilla ice cream.
Remember to breathe
I used to write a column when I worked in a business school that was called “Remember to Breathe”. Every Friday when the paper came out it was a lot of fun to walk around the school and see people reading my column and smiling. I think they smiled as I wrote about my personal life much as I do here. This was unusual in a business school weekly particularly when I wrote about love, anger and pain, which I still write about. Some things are a constant in the world and these emotions will always be with us. I hope they will always be with us as imagine what life would be like if they were not. I don’t have a lot of faith in people who do not experience these emotions as they seem almost lobotomized. The portion of their limbic system which deals with emotion has withered and died. Functioning is never a problem but reaching a high and dipping down into a low certainly is. Lately I have been recognizing how many of us share this emotional dipping yet fear having others discover this trait. Shame is common among us emotional dippers as we view others in the world as being separate from us.
I am working on a small solution for those of us who would like more comfort in life. Some years back I thought about communal living and couldn’t work out what felt right to me. Recently I have conceived of the perfect village for cozy living with compatible people. I think it would work really well to find a group of people, all ages, all ethnicities, and buy some land. Each family or single person could have a small house and there would be a large common space for gathering together. One could either chose to eat alone or with other friends in the common space. There would be shared facilities and a feeling of community. wouldn’t this be a great way to live?
Why I hate Musical Chairs…and will I be loved if I am poor?
What a weird time we are living in! It’s really not a lot of fun to watch the economy and wonder what will happen to us in our small worlds. Each of us has a different way of responding to the stress of knowing there is really no safe place to put money. If I hadn’t just bought a new bed I would seriously consider making a long slit in my mattress and hiding some there. At least I could sleep on it and feel safe. I might have rich dreams! O. K. I did buy a mattress. So I can’t be destitute yet. That is certainly true. I remember playing musical chairs as a kid and an adult. The part I really hated was when there is only one chair left and two players. I wanted to just keep sitting on the chair. I have actually done this to the huge annoyance of the other player. The music starts and then you just sit there. not a great strategy! That’s how I feel now. Scared to move out of my chair. Hovering on the edge of it while hoping the music will begin again. Recently, I have been thinking about how much of my identity is tied up in having money. It makes me feel comfortable and safe in the world. I feel more powerful and less afraid as I think I can take care of myself and don’t need anyone else. I think about all the money I have given away and that makes me happy, not scared. This is a weird thing as giving away money is the same as losing it in the market. It is simply gone from your life. If you chose to give it away then it becomes a gesture of control and somehow powerful. If you hold onto money very tightly you feel constantly afraid. Now I am struggling with the concept of not having money and not being known for the one who always buys dinner. Initially, I felt embarrassed by this possible outcome. Now I am toying with the idea of living a life where I have the same amount of money as most of my friends and I feel differently about myself. Almost as if I have become more real and more lovable. The thing I am beginning to like is dependency. I like letting others know I need them. Before this seemed to terrify me as I thought no one would like being depended upon and I would lose my friends.It seems fun to be cleaning my own house and making dinner for people. They may not think it is fun to eat the dinner but I am a big fan of alcohol before meals.I know this piece of writing sounds spoiled to some and incomprehensible to others but it is the truth to me. There are many advantages to having the ball for a long time and running the length of the field for an easy goal. There must be other advantages to finding oneself on the ground and covered with mud. Tackled by the economy and rendered helpless. It certainly wouldn’t be my choice but then again maybe it would if I have the chance to believe in my own strength and my ability to survive.
